August 9, 2007

  • i'm not big on
    celebrating my birthday. and contrary to popular
    belief, i'm not big on attention in general. i don't like recognition
    whether at work or home. it makes me uneasy. and this year, as far as
    my birthday goes, i was also uneasy about celebrating because it would
    have forced me to seriously consider that i am growing up, that i am an
    adult when really, i want to continue being a kid! bills- boooo. job-
    boooo. five year plan- boooo. i know it's nonsense, because how will i
    feel when i hit 30? i should just accept it for what it is. but, i must
    say, the acknowledgment of my birthday, it was sweet. to remember, to
    show up both literally and figuratively... i thought it was just great. heart
    warming. the little stuff truly goes a long way. i keep saying it
    lately, but 'tis true. it's the little stuff that counts and moves me.




    recounting the past few days: cafe
    citron, acadiana, clyde's, butterfield 9, aria, finemondo's...  and heading out to oya in a little bit. drinks here and
    there, good meals here and there, great times with wonderful people
    here and there. it's been a lovely week thus far and the good times are
    just only starting as i look forward to the weekend - chicago for a few days where i'll be seeing one
    of my seattle girls. nice.

    lastly, it's a little scary sometimes to put yourself out there, with
    the fear of course being that things won't be reciprocated.     i
    mean, it's been tough getting here- for me to articulate feeling
    something, or rather, for me to even admit to feeling something... i've
    come a long way and surprisingly, i can and sometimes do wear my heart
    on my sleeve now. i do fear what might happen if i say i feel this or
    that, and it's perceived as being overkill, clingy... just too much.
    lord knows i've been the one in the past to say those exact words to
    others. you never want to come across as too eager. you don't want to
    be the one to let your guard down first and be vulnerable. but when you
    decide to risk it, and you receive affirmation that it's mutual, it
    just feels good. it's heart warming. why i doubted it would be reciprocated, i don't know. but you can't help but to always be a little scared if you've been hurt in the past. that's all for now.