August 23, 2007

• in my shoes.

  i
  was talking to my sister the other day, and words can't properly explain
  how much i appreciated her sentiments. the gist of the conversation was
  that she wouldn't want to see me change. she was essentially trying to protect me. she
  wouldn't want a person to affect me so much that i might start acting
  different, looking different... and i hope to not change. i am a work
  in progress, i have and will evolve with time... but i am pretty
  comfortable with who i am and have become. truth be told, her
  sentiments echo one of my (bigger) fears when it comes to a
  relationship- it's that constant struggle of how not to lose oneself
  when partnered up with someone else. you become an us or a we... and then what happens to the me?

  what i know about myself is that when i'm partnered up with someone,
  i'm pretty laid back and easy going in that i don't have requirements
  or demands on how we spend our time together. i go with the flow, for
  the most part. i am usually able to meld and mesh with his friends and
  interests, but if there's something i don't want to partake in, i do
  not. what this does mean however, is that if i'm indifferent or
  generally have not been exposed to whatever he's into, i'll try to take
  an interest in it. i like this about me. and i know others like this
  about me as well. but, does this approach have the potential to inhibit
  me from being my own person? does this have the potential to make me
  into something that i am not?

  i may be being hyper sensitive, but a girl has got to think about it a
  bit. you spend so much time with another person., you find ways to mesh
  and meld yourselves with one another. two become one, blah, blah,
  blah... but to what end? how does one ensure he or she remains an
  individual with his or her own tastes and opinions? i could be over
  analyzing this, i know. but just knowing how things have played out in
  past relationships, one can't help but to be a little cautious. and who
  would have thunk that shoes, of all things, could have prompted all of
  this?

  it started because he made a comment
  about a pair of my shoes- maybe i should get something a bit more
  classy, he said. and it wasn't said in a mean, or rude, or demeaning manner. it was more kind of like, "babe. i was looking at your shoes. i don't know if i like them. maybe you should look for something a little more classy." i scoffed. i liked 'em just fine, i told him. and i
  defended my choice as a matter of fact. i knew they were kinda trashy
  shoes, but that was the lure for me. i can't always be buttoned up,
  like your typical DC-ist. i refuse to be less funky or more drab
  because that is the norm in this city. i like adding a little splash or
  trash to my appearance. end of conversation. i was miffed by his comment, but i got over
  it.

  but then there was the matter of his shoes. he found some sneakers
  online
  and then asked me what I thought. i didn't like them one bit... but,
  before i sent off an email saying i thought they were ugly, i thought
  about it for a moment. he didn't like my shoes, and told me out right
  which kind
  of got on my nerves. so for me to do the same, wouldn't it just be
  hypocritical of me? i wouldn't want him to be bothered by the very same
  thing he did
  to annoy me. and so i hesitated before telling him that i didn't like
  the shoes. and then i also thought about whether i wanted to really
  tell him that i didn't like the shoes because what if that would serve
  to just further point out our differences? it worried me. we are very
  different. but are we too different? and what if in pointing out our
  obvious difference in tastes, we would just begin to realize more and
  more that we are too different and that perhaps what we've got going on
  is a good thing, but not good enough. i really don't want to see that
  happen.
  
  i decided to just stick to my guns though. i said i didn't like 'em because i truly
  didn't. but i also told him that my opinion when it comes to what he
  wears or buys shouldn't matter. and then came his response - it was
  exactly what i wanted and hoped to hear. he was just gaging my
  opinion. he wasn't seeking validation or confirmation. i was honest
  with my opinion, which he appreciated, and what he says he likes about
  me.

  so now we get to the point of this blog entry where i make the
  revelation over this trivial matter relating to shoes. i mean yes, this
  is after all, a story about shoes. but, what it illustrated for me is
  that i should continue to be who i am. my likes, my dislikes, my
  opinions... it's what makes me who i am. and others can like it or not but 'tis better to be authentic than a reproduction or fake. and as for the matter of maintaining my individuality and not getting lost in a relationship, well, i can only be cognizant of this concern and act accordingly. apparently, being myself is what pays off so while i am sure i will probably continue to be laid back and go with the flow of things, i'll also continue to stick to my guns.

  and now i will get to working.
  

  • 9:19 am
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