August 29, 2007

  • the it factor.

    i finally was able to pinpoint it the other night. "it," we'll call it,
    because i don't want to call it an issue per se. it's just a precarious
    situation i've found myself in, one i never have experienced before.
    and i'm not quite sure if it's a good or bad thing, or what to do
    differently if anything at all because maybe it's nothing that i need
    to do except to be myself. but what's new, what "it" is, is that i'm
    not wearing the pants in this situation. as silly as that sounds, it is
    something new.

    i'm not the dominant one. i'm not the more successful
    one. i'm not the more educated one. i'm not necessarily the one calling
    all the shots and doing things exactly as i want and on my own terms.
    he hasn't yet uttered the words, "why would you be with someone like
    me? you have a lot going for you..." which i've heard before. i'd like
    to think that i've met a match, an equal... but i can't help but to
    fear just slightly that we may not be equals and that there is an
    imbalance of sorts just not in my favor. not that's he's not done
    anything to make me feel inferior or less... it's just that this is quite different from anything else i've experienced. and i'm just not used to not
    being top dog. not that i need or want that necessarily. i think, or rather, i hope. i would like to believe i'm not that hungry or desperate for power.

    perhaps this is be what an adult relationship is like.