i finally learned the lesson a few years ago that there are no sure things. i can try to plan out my life, i can try to plan for a conversation to go a certain way, i can try to plan and prepare for how to approach a situation and what i want for the outcome to be... but things don't always go as planned. they haven't ever gone as i have planned actually, and so sometimes, i really do feel like leaving things up to others [or perhaps, a higher power?] to decide... well, sometimes that's all that i've been able to decide to do and in certain situations, it's just has seemed like the right thing.

so yes, what is meant to be, will be - i recognize this can seem like a cop-out. as indecisive as i can be, or as lazy as i can be, saying that whatever is supposed to happen will happen can seem like me just being unwilling to make a decision or act upon a situation and that i'd rather just let others or someone else take action and then react or follow suit. and sometimes that's true; i do leave somethings up to others because i am simply unsure. but what i come back to is that if things are meant to be a certain way, then they will happen, won't they?

i hope you had a very merry christmas like i did - my family here in DC, they are the best.

i'm feeling the christmas spirit - finally!

okay, so, i've been thinking. maybe it's cliche because it's so literal - but, in cleaning over the past few days, i've managed to get some additional clarity about a few issues that have been consuming my mind and heart. it's partially because i found things from the past which maybe would not have surfaced unless i was cleaning. but it's also that in clearing things away and literally bringing order to my surroundings, i have been able to see a bit better the state of things as they are in the present, and feel a sense of content for what i have around me. does that make sense?

there's this somewhat silly list for example on my old laptop. i hadn't brought it up in quite a while as it is buried away in my old e-files. but in clearing things out, i came upon it and decided to have a look. essentially, it is "the list" of qualities that i want to find, and expectations i have of potential partners - or hopefully, everything that i should hope to find in "the one." the list got its start three years ago when i was a little unsure of who i was and what i needed then. and it was never meant to be a guidebook, or a checklist per se of things to look for in a boyfriend - it was just that at the time, i felt like i needed to articulate why certain people weren't a good match, why others could be... and i wanted to focus a bit and not be out there dating just for the sake of dating. i wanted for it to be right.

i've been through my fair share of gents since then, i've moved, i've changed jobs... life looks a bit different now - but surprisingly, not much has actually changed in terms of what i wanted and needed then, and what i want and need now out of a boyfriend. but have i stuck by the list? not so much. it seems that over the past three years, at times, i might have lost sight of my wants and needs and gotten caught up simply in the the comfort of companionship instead. enter, faux intimacy. i know the notion of the list is a little silly - but in looking at it again, it actually has provided some clarity and has reminded me of who i am at the core, including what makes me happy. i guess some things will never change...

that's it for now. merry merry merry christmas!

i'm back in DC. thank goodness.

i finally unpacked everything this evening. i reinstalled cable and internet. i signed back up for netflix. i organized my mail. they are all really simple things, but getting back to some of the basics is long overdue. as well, i need to get running again, literally... that could possibly be the next step. i've been far too lazy and distracted.

i think it's time to get some clarity as well about what i find to be acceptable, what i need and don't need, what i deserve... it's possible that i have been compromising lately and i am not entirely certain i've been completely true to myself.

time for a little think about that last bit.

i keep complaining and saying that i can't wait to get back to DC. it's true though, i do miss my home, and i am tired of London. it isn't all that bad though. i shouldn't make it sound like a miserable experience. i think it's just one of those opportunities where in hindsight, i'll look back upon it more positively than when in the moment. of course it's a little sad that it should be that way, but it just simply is. today though, i realized that i have been and continue to be given treats throughout my stay here. i've acquired some new shoes, for one. for two, a grateful staff person from my Warsaw office brought me some Polish vodka as a thank you gift:



how he knew that i like to have a drink every now and then... well, maybe it was our christmas party that tipped him off. he said he was going to just bring me some fruit, but the next day realized that this seemed more appropriate of a gift. i'm slightly embarrassed, slightly pleased. then there is the corner bakery that today gave me extra treats. i usually just get one strawberry tart, today they gave me three:



being here, in London, it's been full of interesting experiences. i've been tested and stretched in ways never before... so all in all, it hasn't been too bad. i have learned much from this and will take away much. let's call this growth. positive growth. but i'm still counting down.

yes, that's 3 days, 17 hours and 5 minutes left before i leave.

the famed st. paul's cathedral: 

the millenium bridge, which crosses over the thames - it was a bit cold, windy and wet:

snapshots from the v and a:

it's saturday, 8.15pm GMT. here i am, in london, and i'm exhausted. i fell asleep around 3am last night, mumbling (semi) sweet nothings on skype to my babe. i must have been completely exhausted though, because amazingly, i woke up at 5pm today. in other words, i've been awake for 3 hours. it was dark when i went to sleep, and dark when i woke up.

i think my body is crashing. i've been working too hard, and i'm drained. physically. mentally. this was not a trip for pleasure. every day, it has been 12 hours in the office, and then routinely another 2-3 hours of work before i drift off to sleep. working like a dog can't continue so i'm counting down to the moment i can leave the UK and head back home. i need some normalcy. actually, i need a break. and going home will be a vacation to me- the comforts of my home, my family, the fellow who has my heart right now. it sounds just blissful. heavenly. 139 hours left here before i leave. and then back in time five hours, to the EST.

it was no suprise that with all this hard work, i let loose at our office christmas party here in london. the theme was angels and sinners. i of course was angelic, and my brussels HR colleague, was devilish.



exhausted from the crazy pace of work, i had about seven cocktails and was a dancing fool at the party which went until 1am. i closed the place down but made it home safely. no public regurgitating either.

my head is so discombobulated right now. i guess that's what 14 hours of sleep does to you. just some thoughts.

new hair. a trim and some color. i've decided i like jet black... the only downside is that when i step out the shower, i look quite pale without a stitch of makeup... and with my hair in a state of disarray, i look a little bit like edward scissorhands. strange.

how magical! literally next door to my flat, is prince edward theater where mary poppins has been playing. i finally picked up a ticket - the last one available tonight- to watch the show. it was simply charming! i loved every minute of the show. spoonful of sugar, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, chim chimmery chim chimmery chim chim cheroo, let's go fly a kite...

i wasn't supposed to take pics while inside, but i couldn't help myself. here are a few that i was able to snag:






i'm definitely going to try to catch at least one more show before i leave... although there are only 13 days left for me to get 'er done. 13 days! woohoo! i miss home.

so... my sleep clock is a little off. i slept for four hours yesterday evening, then was up until 5am, and then fell back asleep to wake up at 3.30pm. who knows when i'll fall asleep tonight, but i have to at least wake up by 12.30pm to make it to a salon appointment. i'm going to risk it and get my hair trimmed while here. wish me luck.