December 24, 2007

  • i'm feeling the christmas spirit - finally!

    okay, so, i've been thinking. maybe it's cliche because it's so literal - but, in cleaning over the past few days, i've managed to get some additional clarity about a few issues that have been consuming my mind and heart. it's partially because i found things from the past which maybe would not have surfaced unless i was cleaning. but it's also that in clearing things away and literally bringing order to my surroundings, i have been able to see a bit better the state of things as they are in the present, and feel a sense of content for what i have around me. does that make sense?

    there's this somewhat silly list for example on my old laptop. i hadn't brought it up in quite a while as it is buried away in my old e-files. but in clearing things out, i came upon it and decided to have a look. essentially, it is "the list" of qualities that i want to find, and expectations i have of potential partners - or hopefully, everything that i should hope to find in "the one." the list got its start three years ago when i was a little unsure of who i was and what i needed then. and it was never meant to be a guidebook, or a checklist per se of things to look for in a boyfriend - it was just that at the time, i felt like i needed to articulate why certain people weren't a good match, why others could be... and i wanted to focus a bit and not be out there dating just for the sake of dating. i wanted for it to be right.

    i've been through my fair share of gents since then, i've moved, i've changed jobs... life looks a bit different now - but surprisingly, not much has actually changed in terms of what i wanted and needed then, and what i want and need now     out of a boyfriend. but have i stuck by the list? not so much. it seems that over the past three years, at times, i might have lost sight of my wants and needs and gotten caught up simply in the the comfort of companionship instead. enter, faux intimacy. i know the notion of the list is a little silly - but in looking at it again, it actually has provided some clarity and has reminded me of who i am at the core, including what makes me happy. i guess some things will never change...

    that's it for now. merry merry merry christmas!