March 28, 2008

  • full circle?

    I’m feeling introspective right now, so let me try to be
    brutally honest with myself (and you, by default) for a moment.

    So, on Wednesday, I am off to head to Seattle
    for a few days. It's been just about a year and a half since I left and this
    will be my first time back. And I have to say that I have some mixed emotions
    about the trip. I am excited to see one of my dear gal pals and plan to spend
    most of my time with her while there... but having left Seattle bruised
    slightly, I cannot say with the utmost conviction or complete confidence that I
    am returning fully healed and repaired from the big portion of my life that I
    lived there. I wish I could say I felt differently.

    True, my life since moving has been a whirlwind and
    extremely exciting – new city, new job, new friends, new boyfriends and now
    more ex-boyfriends, amazing travel opportunities abroad, becoming an auntie
    thrice.... It has been a really neat and exhilarating ride. But I guess scars
    never fully go away and I can't help but to be reminded of the tears shed and
    heartache from my time in Seattle
    as I get ready to go back.

    There is the obvious heartache from a broken romantic
    relationship, there is even some minor heartache from broken friendships… and
    then there is also this whole other dimension of the ups and downs with my
    family. Seattle is where I feel
    like we, my family, basically broke and fell apart. When I lived in there, I
    saw my older brother and sister both move away and on to start their own lives
    in other cities. There were marriages and divorces. My dad passed away when I lived in Seattle.
    All in all, it was a pretty rocky ride living there.

    My last few days there, before really taking the plunge and
    deciding to settle in DC, were so chaotic and full of tears. I actually cringe
    a bit when I think about the way my heart felt as I prepared to leave because
    an unexpected turn of events had taken place that really broke me and shocked me to the core. It was absolutely the right decision to
    leave, but it was not easy by any means. And so as the plane took off for me to
    get here to DC, I felt like I was saying goodbye permanently. I didn’t want to
    have anything to do with that city that had been such a tumultuous place. I
    wanted to leave everything behind and make a fresh start. Yet, here I go back.

    Interestingly, booking the flight to go back to Seattle
    next week was actually borne from another breakup. I needed to commit to and cement
    my new found single state though some sort of spontaneous decision, plus I
    wanted to go somewhere that I knew I would be safe and secure being just
    slightly damaged from the breakup. And as I thought about where I could go,
    oddly enough, the best and easiest getaway turned out to be Seattle
    to visit a friend who has been there for me through a lot in the past few years.
    Slightly ironic? I think so because here you have a city that I ran from and
    have tried to bury away in my past yet all of a sudden, it’s a haven and escape
    from life in DC? It's funny how things work out.     Maybe this is going to be one of those full circle moments.