January 23, 2007

  • analysis paralysis

    he said that it was my fatal flaw and what scared him the most about
    being around me- that i fall for and latch onto people or ideas much
    too quickly which inevitably is followed by me falling out of whatever
    it is that i fell so quickly into. love, lust, a crush, an obsession or what
    have you- just as suddenly as it happens or if not quicker, i lose
    interest. and the way he saw it, it's almost as if there's some kind of
    on/off switch within me, where with little rhyme or reason, i simply
    turn the switch off for folks or things, move on and away, sans any
    consideration for what i've left in the wake. i toss things to the
    wayside and then find a new interest. call it impulsive decision making
    or me being rash- whatever it is, it scared him.


    like moving to DC? the final shove towards the decision to
    move happened during a morning phone chat with my sister in which i was
    complaining about work and she simply asked, why not quit and move to
    DC. we talked about the logistics for a few moments, and then before i
    knew it, i was throwing my hands up and saying that i was going to do
    it. we then hung up the phone so she could tend to some work while i
    said that i would think it over a bit more and figure out some of the
    details. and over the course of the next 90 minutes i checked on my
    finances to make sure i could make the move, typed up a resignation
    letter and then sent an email out to everyone in my address book saying
    that i'd be quitting my job and moving to DC.
    emails began flying about why the sudden decision, and what was going on with me that i would decide to up and move... some thought that i was just having a knee-jerk reaction and needed to think it through.

    okay, so deciding in 90 minutes... that's the short version of the story because it
    didn't happen all that impulsively or rashly. i had been talking about
    moving for a good four months or so prior and had even interviewed for
    jobs in DC during that time. but cold feet and a weak heart got the
    better of me and kept me in Seattle for a bit longer. i talked myself
    out of moving for three or four months thinking that there was some
    kind of compelling reason to stay there. but that particular morning,
    as i was talking with my sister and finally made the decision to do it?
    i was just tired of deliberating the move and being stuck in analysis
    paralysis. if it was the wrong decision, it would become apparent very
    quickly, i thought, and then i could backtrack and do damage control if
    needed. so, i snapped my fingers and said that i would do it.


    so on the surface, sure, the decision seemed rash, or random
    even to some people. it easily came off as impulsive, or spontaneous.
    but in actuality, it was an idea that i had been toying with for months
    and had been considering the merits of incessantly. i just sat on
    making a concrete decision and let it fester for a while. and so when
    whatever was going on at work that morning that caused me to complain
    to my sister about things? it was just like the straw that finally
    broke the camel's back. something inconsequential happened or was said
    to finally help me choose between two options that i had been stuck
    between for months... i guess it was like i snapped, or snapped out of
    the analysis paralysis i was in.


    and this is indeed a pattern for me. when i might see that a
    change of course is necessary or a decision is to be made, i may look
    at the options and map out the possibilities but then true to form, i
    get torn between the choices and deciding which is the best route to
    take. i get stuck weighing the merits of the various possibilities...
    and then comes the indecision. i waffle. or, i sit around hoping that
    with more time, the right answer will surface or something will happen
    that makes the decision on my behalf. and if i wait around long enough,
    something usually does happen that will spur me into motion. something
    "snaps," or maybe i snap, and move in whatever direction i'm being pushed towards... and then comes the
    appearance i'm being impulsive when in reality i probably had been thinking
    about doing one thing or another for a while.

    the truth is, in most situations, where people are surprised by my actions or decisions, it's only because i've have failed to, or maybe purposely neglected to, communicate that i'm pondering doing something different or needing to explore alternatives. you may be surprised that i've decided to take on something new, but i more than likely was thinking for quite some time about it all. i was just stuck in that in-between place of not being quite so sure of what to do- analysis paralysis. and it's
    a miserable place to be for sure... being frozen by the fear of choosing the wrong thing.

    at some point, i know that i've got to stop thinking situations and
    scenarios out to no end. i need to stop playing out all the
    possibilities and alternative endings. i should stop reading between
    the lines where the in-between space might not even exist. and i have
    to give up analyzing every nuance to death. instead, i need to work at
    letting things be organic, letting things happen the way they will and
    then accepting them for what they are. and if i have to weigh the pros
    and cons, i've got to do it more quickly and then be decisive. it's a shift in thinking, and ultimately, that makes it
    another choice that i'll have to make and then run with. i just have to
    stop thinking about it so much and decide to go with it... if that's
    possible.