January 29, 2007

  • a return to simplicity

    i had a chat with a pal over the weekend about first loves, she herself being in a dilemma of whether or not to reach out to hers who now lives in DC too. both originally from turkey, amazingly, they both somehow landed here. he doesn't know she's here though, and she's not yet ready to call him. and i can understand her hesitation. it's been years, and he could be married and well beyond their teenage romance for all she knows. so we got to talking about the situation- are we to let go of our first loves and leave them in the past, or is it in the realm of possibility to take a second stab with your first love? it's a good question and one that i don't know the answer to.

    i reinforced to her that the odds that they would end up in the same city are crazy; it's too much of a coincidence to just ignore. i mean it probably isn't fate, but it sure is fortuitous that they should land in the same country and same city after ten years and if anything, it could make for a good story if she were to reach out to him. and i promised her, that in case that it was disastrous, i would hold her hand if and when she decided to call him.

    ever since that conversation however, i haven't been able to help but feeling slightly nostalgic myself. there's just something about first loves- like tire-swings, cupcakes and PBJ sandwiches... they just bring you back to a simpler time.

    the thing about first loves is that they're quite innocent and to a certain extent, pure. thinking back to being in love for the first time, the difference between then and now is that then, i fell in love without all the bullshit and expectations that might exist present day. being in love then was so full of optimism and hope; i couldn't fathom people having "trust" issues, or baggage... nor did i have to deal with any jaded or cynical attitudes that i see now when it comes to love, dating and the like. then, there were less pressures, fewer demands, and little to no expectations for how things should (or shouldn't) be. i myself didn't know any better or worse, so everything was perfect, and everything felt right.

    fast forward years later and falling in love the second or third time around... and somewhere along the way i learned to play games, picked up relationship habits both good and bad, and started having expectations... and that's where things have seemingly become a bit more complicated. it isn't so easy to just be in love or be with someone. and at times, the pressure of a relationship makes me not even want to fall in love, or be in love again anytime soon.

    when i think back on the first guy i ever really liked- maybe he was my first love, i'm still not entirely sure- i can't help but to get a little misty eyed and warm. there will always be a nice place for him in my heart, i'm sure. and little things will remind me of him every so often, which is usually then followed with me getting a hankering to look him up and see what he's up to. so following this chat with my pal, i ended up googling my him out of complete curiosity to see what would come up.

    is it slightly stalkerish behavior of me? perhaps. but i wondered - where is he now, what does he do, and is he okay? is he fat, balding and ugly? or could he be married, with a gaggle of kids and have a house in the suburbs? those were the questions in my mind. sometimes you just wonder whatever happened to so and so, and maybe part of it is that i just never have been able to let go completely of him. there are regrets and things we left unspoken or unresolved.

    leave it in the past, you're saying right about now. and you'd especially be saying so if you knew that we unsuccessfully tried to rekindle things a second time, which was even more complicated than the first time around... yes, perhaps i should have known then, that it was done, finito, that i should have left it all behind because it obviously didn't work the first time around, nor the second... in other words, there was a pattern to behold. but things were cut off unnaturally and prematurely both times around, and so part of me still wonders if it could have ever worked. it's the unknown that drives me crazy. and i hate having to say goodbye to someone or something not having given things a fair shot and its due diligence.

    it's probable that we're vastly different people today than we were then; it's been ten years afterall, and then another five years since we last tried to give things a shot. we might not even know each other anymore, or be compatible, or situated in comparable and complimentary places in our lives. i can't even tell you why i think of him fondly or hold an interest in him... it's just the memories i'm holding onto. so perhaps it's not that i'm even longing for him anymore. instead, maybe it's just a longing for the simpler times of a first love. i can dig that. a return to simplicity.