happy fourth of july. i just woke up about 30 minutes ago. what a mess. i'm a mess! time to get the holiday started now though.
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i realized just the other day that for two plus years now, i have been single. two years! it's funny how time flies. sure, there have been incidents here and there, people whom i have dated, but i haven't been committed to, nor have i called anyone a boyfriend in quite a while. and for good reason. i'm not sure if in the past two plus years i have ever really been ready, although admittedly, i think i tried, on several occasions, to fool myself into thinking that i was.
it's funny; when paired with someone, i used to look at singles and wonder why people would choose to be single for such long periods of time (although i do understand that for some people, it is not a choice). to not have been in a relationship in years? it seemed dysfunctional to me. was this person unable to get along with others? perhaps they didn't know how to play nicely; that's what it was. i mean, why would anyone choose to be alone? i never saw it as a positive. i never saw it as being independent. and i never thought once that one could be content in such a state. from the outsider's point of view, it also seemed like a lonely position. and i never thought once that i would be that person, that perpetually single person. but yet, i guess i am she, one of those types i use to look at with confusion and dismay- my how the tables have turned! i am amazed at the speed with which the time has passed, the freedom that i've experienced with being unattached, and the funny decisions one makes the longer they are single.
this all being said, i happened to mention to my sister the other day that i needed a new distraction, a new form of entertainment. in other words, someone to date and provide me with some good laughs or at least some disasters or mini-dramas which, in turn, could serve as good stories to be able to tell others. she immediately questioned why i needed this. why couldn't i just be content, she asked me. why did i feel the need to date someone? these were all valid questions so i kindly explained to her that i didn't need anything or anyone because of discontent being on my own and being single- it's just that sometimes, i like the entertainment of dating, of a partner. i know fully well though that i quickly come back to my senses about the effort it takes to be committed/accountable to another person, and then cut my losses returning to my single state. my patience is minimal with others of late, my ability to compromise, shrinking. and ultimately, this means i am not ready to be with someone else in the meaningful way one could be, and perhaps the way the other person deserves to be.
i do sometimes like to be reminded though of the way it feels to want for someone, maybe feel butterflies, and all those lovely things that come with a crush... but a gal can't have her cake and eat it too. ain't that the truth. -
i feel like it was a whirlwind of a weekend. ratatouille, guarapo, local 16, tryst, five, science club and lima. i'm too lazy to put in hyperlinks for everywhere. there was also perry's for brunch where i somehow ended up touching several drag queens' breasts. i couldn't tell if they were real, fake, horomone induced- it's all very confusing.
thank goodness this upcoming week is broken up into two mini weeks.
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it's only tuesday but it's been a trying week thus far. i've been working my booty off. long days, chaos... surprisingly though, i'm okay with it. i feel motivated and energized about work. it's weird. i did get out to go to the doctor today though and had my legs checked out. the verdict: i have extreme tendonitis and shin splints... interesting though. these shin splints are different from previous kinds, postermedial. and it turns out i did everything wrong with their onset, and did everything to make things worse! how horrible. when i could tell that my feet were pronating and there was some initial pain, i ran on my toes and kept rising up which probably caused my ankles to roll and then the shin splints progressed. very nice. also likely, i slammed down on my right ankle when hopping up and down curbs... and it messed with my joints. i need to chill out when i run and just go with the flow. anyhow, the remedy is physical therapy for three weeks... and hopefully that does the trick. if not, i have to go back to the doc. i'm excited about the PT though! i'm looking forward to doing whatever is needed to make it all better. woohoo!
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thank goodness the verdict came out in the chung's favor, in the case of the $54 million pants lawsuit. i'd like to keep tabs on what happens next for roy pearson. and i'd actually like to see what this man has to say for himself. shame on him!
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obviously, i'm sleepless. which means i am surfing the web... which means i might get into some trouble depending on what websites i end up on. in perusing my nytimes though, some thoughts:
-- my theory is that the social scientists behind this study are all eldest children. same goes for all the peer reviewers. i refuse to believe. i refuse!
-- my neighborhood wholefoods could use the single line checkout process. i hate waiting in line there. and i'm always such a horrible guesser when it comes to picking a line. they do the single line at the trader joes in foggy bottom and i think it works wonderfully.
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summer, ftw!
yay for summer. weekend recap, in no particular order: steve's bar room, the lounge at hotel helix, the big hunt, the hirshhorn, the zoo, the sculpture garden, zorba's cafe, and i know i'm missing something, some place, somewhere... oh well. yay for the weekend! and yay for summer! ftw!
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what i know is that unfortunately, the fact that roy pearson is black and is suing a korean couple does make a difference because race still matters in this country. and i what i also know is that although i think it's cool that michelle rhee is a korean american, she will face tough challenges overseeing and attempting to overhaul a public school system that is attended by predominantly black children... because race matters. so do i worry about simmering tensions? a little bit because here we have two cultures with extremely different communication styles and customs. anyways, read through the posted responses in marc fisher's column. it's enough to make you think we have made little to no progress.
by the way, i can't believe rodney king, and the LA riots, were 15 years ago.
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circling back to father's day... i've since read two essays
written by two different korean american men reflecting on the topic of their now
deceased fathers (seattle times,nytimes). since reading the nytimes piece in particular, something has lingered
with me and
it's this notion
of whether we, or maybe just me in particular, really even
knows who these men, our fathers, are or were. i've thought about this
before- like if i were asked to describe my father, i'm not sure where
i would start because how much do i really know? so like michael ko did
in the seattle times piece, i decided to take an inventory of the
things i know for sure about my father.he was good at math.
he loved music- italian opera in particular. and he was also musically talented- a pretty decent singer.
he
was passionate- which was both positive and negative... at times, he
was capable of letting his anger and rage show. but on the flip side,
he was also compassionate and warm.he made a damn good cup of lemon-honey tea.
he made some really good home-made dduk gook.
he was a smoker for a period of years but i recall that he said he quit when i was very young.
he wasn't a drinker. he had the classic asian-red-in-the-face problem.
he liked fishing, towards the latter years at least.
but
that's all i seem to be able to come up with. i've wracked my brain
trying to remember more about him, but the list of what i do not know
seems to be even longer. there are a few reasons to attribute this
somewhat unsettling realization to- i mean, i know from a cultural
standpoint that he and other men were/are to be the strong, silent
types. he didn't share a lot, and maybe that's the case with other
people's fathers as well... and i didn't ask a lot which perhaps also
is a cultural issue; you are seen but not heard. you do as you are
told, and you don't ask many questions. we didn't exactly have a lot of
conversations necessarily. but the other thing is, i was rebellious as
a teen... and so the years i could have gotten to know him well,
especially the years where it was just him and me living together, i
bolted from the house at just about every moment possible and steered
as far away as i possibly could. some of that is natural teenage
behavior- no one ever expects that one of their parents will pass when
they are younger, so why bother to "get to know them"?regardless of the explanations or reasons, what i do know is that the result is this: the
picture i am able to paint of who my father was just doesn't seem quite
complete. there are missing pieces, and i wish i knew more. the things i recall seem to be mere facts and observations... but does this really make a man? these can't be the things that define him.something's gotta change.
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