happy father's day.
i had a wonderful and lovely day today with my family yesterday
although i had been a little introspective over the weekend, reflecting
a bit on the topic of parental units.
let's start first with last year's scene:
i am dating
this guy, and we meet up for a bite to eat. i remember it is the
NBA finals, so we are sitting in the bar of the red robin on seattle's
waterfront, eating our burgers, and watching the game. midway
through the meal, remembering it is father's day, i ask if he
called his dad. he says yes. and then he asks if i called
mine.
i am a
little taken aback by his question, so i
respond somewhat defiantly with an, "uhhhhhhh, no." it is one of
those,
"duh" type of responses where you give a sharp stare back... and this
isn't me just being my sometimes overly sassy self. the situation certainly warranted my response. so, i look at him like he has lost his mind,
and then i sit there quietly for a few minutes. he notices my shift in
demeanor
and asks what's wrong. i bite my lip, and finally cave.
"the reason i
didn't call my father today," i start in, "is because i can't." another pause. i take a really deep breath. "if you
recall, he passed away several years ago. so no, i didn't call him. it isn't possible"
of
course, apologies begin to ensue for he feels horribly that he has
forgotten this detail of my life. me, i sit somewhat shocked as it
isn't just a minor detail. i recap for him the times we've spoken of
him passing, of the fact that he's no longer here... he remembers, or
at least perhaps he pretends to, and apologizes again. i am still
surprised by the faux pas as the vital stats of my parental units...
it's kind of significant.
fast forward to present day. i get a
chuckle out of that incident because i can't imagine how mortified one
would be to realize they've forgotten the vital stats of someone's
parent, particularly someone they are dating.
anyhow, here are some of the things i've had occupying my mind over the weekend...
one thing that happens when you lose a parent at
a "younger" age- or at least for me this is the case- is that you become keenly aware of others who have
experienced something similar. you don't ever assume that anyone has
both parental units still in tact because you know that others make
that assumption about you more often than not, and you don't like having to
explain that that isn't the case. for
example, i don't think i ever ask people, "and where are your parents?" people ask that question all the time of younger individuals when they know they have moved from somewhere or are new to an area. and, i try to be sensitive when it comes to asking people what are
they doing on mother's/father's days and i actually try not to bring it
up anymore unless i know with certainty that someone has a positive
relationship with their parental units who are alive and well.
something else- i wonder whether people ever
notice that i grow silent or that i don't contribute to certain
conversations. like
a few weeks ago, i was sitting around
waiting for a meeting to start and a colleague began talking about how
she's the biggest "daddy's girl."
she tells us about all the festivities she has planned for her dad
on father's day and others join in with anecdotes relating to their
relationships with their
fathers or commentary about gifts they plan to buy... me however, i
just
couldn't find a way to
contribute to the conversation so i sat in silence, mustering a small
smile and a nod here or there. i think i also let out what i felt to be
the
obligatory "ooooh" and
"aaaaah" where appropriate.
inside though, i sat there
wondering if it were possible for me to contribute to the conversation
at all. would it be weird to say my father
was, or we used to,
speaking in the past tense? would people understand that me speaking in
the past tense means i can't speak in the present tense because it just
isn't possible for he isn't here?
i'm never really shy about telling people, when appropriate, that he
passed away several years ago. it isn't that difficult although sometimes i find it hard to frame it, especially in the context of a conversation like that. i don't
know these people very well, and so i didn't know how to communicate
it. in the end, it just didn't seem necessary.
and while i'm on this topic, it gets more and more weird to say... it
was two years ago, three years ago, four years ago, and now almost five
years ago. and how i count the years is perhaps even more odd. it
happened around my birthday, so i always subtract the years from my
age.
on a lighter note, what i love this year
is that i have the opportunity to celebrate my siblings on mother's day
and father's day as they
each have become a mother and father respectively this year. it's
exciting to
celebrate with them, and simply celebrate them as they have entered
this new phase of their lives. and i like being able to devote the day
to
them even if it's in a simple, small way. how nice is it to live near
family again.
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