it's an odd trait of mine. i'll admit it. but when i find a good song on my ipod, a really good song, i'll just put it on repeat and listen to it over, and over, and over again. coming home tonight, it was brandi carlile's follow. a very good song by a very good singer/song-writer from seattle.

the first time i came across that song, it felt strangely fortuitous to have found it. it was in seattle and i was walking home from work in the rain (of course it was raining) after a particularly shitty day where i was confronted with having to make a decision that essentially tore me between following my heart and following my head.

so, there i was, walking in the rain aimlessly, as the four blocks from my office to my apartment somehow had become longer, and i was six or seven blocks off course. but i kept on walking, stepping in every possible puddle with my galoshes, with this song on repeat and me on the verge of tears as i struggled with this particularly difficult situation. i was walking, looking for some kind of answer, or at least some direction as to just what to do. and this is what i heard in the song: "follow your heart and see where it might take you; don't let the world outside there break you; they know not who you are inside; they have never felt your hell..."

this decision i had to make- there were all sorts of questions that came with it. would i be doing the compassionate and "right" thing if i chose one direction? or would i be self-serving and self-fulfilling via avoidance yet ultimately doing what was best for my sanity if i went the other direction? and then i thought about what the people who knew me and knew about the situation would think about it all. would they judge me for my actions or lack there of? so few have ever really understood it very well. and then there were those who were directly involved in the situation, and i couldn't help but worry about what seemed like a question of where my loyalties lied, or maybe should have lied. i struggled with all these questions related to the choice i needed to make. and it was a toughie. so i kept on walking around with that song on repeat.

the details of that whole ordeal and the actual decision i made, perhaps not so important in this exercise of me reflecting upon it in retrospect... but, that struggle, of whether to follow my head or follow my heart. i mean, just how do you decide between the two? whether it's a question of what to eat for lunch- another day eating another rare roast beef sandwich from lawson's for me, or another day of potbellies for others- or more serious matters related to career, love, relationships or other issues of the like, what's better? following your heart or using your head?

growing up, i remember being nagged about not following my heart so much. i don't know why i got this so early on, but i remember this insistence to be more logical, more methodical and less impulsive. what my parental units' indicators were for knowing that i'd run in the direction my heart pulled me to, i'm not quite sure. but i can still hear the nagging in my head that i be less flighty and more rational in my decision making by listening to my head and not my heart. but as nagging doesn't work on me now, nagging didn't work on me then... and i did precisely what all good rebels do, exactly the opposite of what you're told. i followed my heart without fail... despite learning on multiple occasions, that following my heart can lead to big trouble- broken hearts (both mine and others) and naturally, big holes to dig out of.

so a girl learns a few lessons here and there, and therefore, finds herself trying to be a bit more rational about which path to take when confronted with "big" decisions. but even in the past year, i've faced some seemingly big choices where i wanted to, and did, follow my heart, but all the while was still being gently encouraged to be a bit more rational and think it through. and there i was again, with stuck in the middle of this battle of head versus heart, and not knowing what to do. on the one hand, when following my heart, i have felt and do feel exhilirated, alive, and true to myself. but on the other hand, when following my head, i have felt and do feel responsible, smart, and ultimately, more in control of the situation. and i don't know which is better.

part of me wishes that i could just be that girl who is just all heart. it seems more heroic that way, doesn't it? but when your heart has failed you in the past and things have ended quite ugly, i just don't know how can you continue that way. it gets tiring. and soon enough, it's just too damn trying. but when it just feels right, how can you betray that? it's an ongoing question. follow your head or follow your heart? i can't figure this one out.

thanks, my conservative friend, for that. something to look out for.

saturday's run, 6.08 miles. tough run because of the wind. lately, the elements have not been treating me very well.

mmmm. i love splenda. splenda in my coffee, splenda in my iced tea... mmmmm. this should be a fascinating legal battle.

i need a new team to root for. it seems that i've lost my joy for the mariners given seattle is no longer my city... rooting for the national's as my home team isn't too appealing because i've never been a fan of the national league for one, and two, they have no one remotely close to my likeness playing for them... so i'm thinking maybe daisuke matsuzaka and the red sox will have to do. i'll keep my tabs on him and the red sox fora bit, and then i guess we'll just have to see from there... it looks like so far though, he's doing just fine. i always love a new asian superstar.

some random things before i start working on a longer post...

-i love my family. i just spent over an hour or laying in my sister's bed looking at silly pictures and rolling all over the place because i was laughing my ass off discussing random things and people, and looking at pictures. we tend to do that when around each other- fall into fits of giggles- and simply put, it's great fun. okay, so it's kinda weird to be laying around in her bed/her husband's bed, but hey, it was just her and me, i'm comfortable with them. we're family!

-in a rush to pack a bag to stay out in at my sister's house, i entirely forgot to bring my debit card which i left in my pant's pocket last night (dumb...). as a result, i realized when trying to catch the train out here that i had $13 cash to my name, and that was it. thank goodness my sister's got my back. that means she's buying my coffee, my lunch, and my dinner tomorrow. woo hoo! i also forgot my face lotion but remembered to bring my blackberry, cell and laptop chargers with me. go figure.

-i think i might go and have some cheesecake before i post anything more, leftover from dinner. my sister always hooks it up when i come "home" to eat. i love it.

-and lastly, i've encountered or been in the midst of a few instances recently where i found myself saying that we're adults, and as adults, we can and do make choices which means that we
must also accept whatever consequences -whether material or emotional- that come with making said choice or decision. that's what responsibility is all about, isn't it? you make a choice, you live with the consequences. if you don't want to deal with the consequences, then make the right freaking choice, right? this is probably making sense to no one right now. just ranting.

that's it.

after work drinks and dinner was at the tabard inn tonight. the service
is horrible, but the ambiance, quite lovely. with the gals, our usual
barometer for places is whether it's date worthy or good for general
dining with friends or family. and it definitely is a date worthy
place. it's one of those really great second or third date places,
especially if on a sunny or warm day, and you have the chance to sit
outside. in their backyard patio, you are surrounded by brick walls,
small sculptures and a beautiful sconces. looking up, they had some
kind of odd canopy which kept the sun out much to our dismay... but as
the sun set and the sconces lit up, it was rather romantic and sweet
with the white canopy giving off a bit of a glow. i loved it. as for
the food, it was just okay; the great desserts were probably the
highlight for me. i would have loved larger portions although the truth
is i probably would never be able to finish them and would take home
the leftovers to just sit and mold in my fridge.


we probably sat around for about three hours at the tabard inn and had
our usual conversations about boys, work and the like. but being in the
midst of passover, good friday approaching, and easter being just
around the corner, the conversation somehow ended up being steered
towards religion, which is a bit unusual for us. around the table were
three catholic-raised gals, one jewish gal, and then protestant-raised
me. we got to talking about traditions and celebrations... and then
came a discussion on values. we generally don't go in this direction over dinner and drinks, but it happened quite naturally, and the question that lingered was essentially this- is it
possible to raise children with values and morals when religion is
absent? in other words, do you need the framework of a religion in
order to have morals and values?

it's just something to think about and a reminder for me to read up on this concept of humanism because it lends itself well to this lingering question. that's about as deep as it's going to get right now though. it's time to go to sleep.

good night.

i kinda felt validated today- my frustrations and aggravations have not been unfounded, nor ungrounded. it's good to know that i'm not crazy, or overreacting; the reality is that i've been going above and beyond, and i'm not the first or only to have dealt with the madness. but in the midst of this validation, i also saw the ugly corporate head rear itself. and my immediate reaction was to move quickly to cover my ass and seek protection- make sure my i's are dotted and t's are crossed and do what's necessary to look out for myself. trust no one; for having been a scapegoat before, i now know how to play the game. it's what you've gotta do, play along and understand that it is indeed a game of power and politics. be strategic, anticipate moves, and then be proactive. otherwise, be eaten alive.

and that's the end of my corporate ramblings for the day. a quick run after work today. 5.30 miles. and the tourists were out like crazy once again.



later in the evening, it was a stop at cactus cantina. it really is just about the same thing as lauriol plaza... except oddly enough, i liked the pretentiousness of lauriol plaza better. isn't that weird?

i sometimes wonder if i should back off a little bit. it's my
directness that i thought was an asset, but, i've never stopped to
think about whether my "in your face" attitude is a detriment. because
at what point does being direct become obnoxious? does that make sense?
at work, i'm direct but with tact because i'm paid to be professional
but not bitchy. but take me off the clock and do i employ any tact? not
really.

a woman should have...
-enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
-something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
-a youth she's content to leave behind....
-a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age..
-a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
-one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
-a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
-eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
-feeling of control over her destiny...

good night.

april fools it is. i slept until 2:15pm today and then got up and took a jog. 5 or so miles today. to georgetown, across key bridge, and back home. that's it.

today was weird. at 11:45am, i had an early lunch with my sister at
lauriol plaza.
despite it being early, we helped ourselves to sangrias... which i must
say were not the best ever, but they also weren't too bad either. i had the beef
fajitas which had the best steak i've ever had in a fajita. but drinking sangrias early in
the day kind of messed with me, okay, yeah, so i was buzzed at noon is more accurate of a statement, asian glow and all... so as soon as i got home, i
crashed and took a long nap... and ended up sleeping until 6pm. i was a mess when i woke
up but pulled myself together and took a gorgeous run down to the mall and tidal basin to check out
the cherry blossoms... and they were beautiful! too many tourists down there, but the trees were gorgeous.