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  • i love those really good dreams- the ones where you want to keep sleeping to see what might happen next. the only downside though is that the really good ones, they leave me shaken. i wake up feeling like the dream was so real, but then look around with disappointment to see that it was just a figment of my imagination. too bad. too bad.

  • v. tech tragedy

    the tragedy at virginia tech- i'm glued to the television because i'm trying to understand the magnitude of the situation and let it sink in. part of me hopes that if i learn more about it, then perhaps i can grasp what happened and why. but some of what i see being broad-casted- beyond the deaths- makes me both sad and angry concurrently.

    for the sad- the deaths are horrifying or course. but additionally, the early reports are saying the gunman who took the lives of those 33 individuals, including his own, was a young asian kid. and that breaks my heart. it hits closer to home that it allegedly was a kid who looks like me. and i think about what his family may be going through- their grief for their own loss, and then of course, the horror of knowing their own child may have created this situation. the conflict of mourning the loss while being immensely sorry for what happened to others because of their son... ugh.

    for the angry- i'm not understanding how people can be angry at the administration of virginia tech, or the law enforcement officials there, for not locking the campus down or sending more urgent communication after the first shootings happened in the morning. i'm angry that people would say the second round of shootings- the more massive one- could have been prevented. and i'm angry that in the middle of this tragedy, people are pointing fingers and assigning blame so damn quickly.

    there is no question that a 2-person shooting turned killing- which they thought to be a domestic disturbance at first- is certainly tragic; but it happens. and i can't see a 2-person shooting warranting a lockdown via a more urgent and massive response to the campus which essentially is a small city of people that includes staff, faculty and students. in any other small city, had a 2-person shooting taken place, a comparable response would have likely happened- in other words, we wouldn't expect a small city to be on lockdown like people are saying virginia tech should have undergone to prevent the second round of shootings.

    maybe i'm jaded and have become numb about violence- that's quite possible... but the first incident was a 2-person shooting, and it wouldn't have necessarily shaken me so hard that i'd say the appropriate response would have been to lock down; so i understand that the administration and law enforcement on that campus responded in the way that they did after the first shooting. frankly, i would have been surprised to hear about a lockdown following such an incident. i'm trying to imagine when i was in school, and also worked for a higher ed institution, if such a response would have seemed appropriate. and i don't think that would have made sense to lock down such a large community of people.

    but beyond that issue, the individuals who made the decisions to respond in the manner that they did, they are human. they did what they thought was best. and no one could have ever
    fathomed that after a 2-person shooting, it would have gone on to
    become what it did. they couldn't have predicted it. no one could have predicted things happening the way they did.

    just a quick rant about one aspect of this tragedy. it's heartbreaking and i mean no disrespect to those affected by this. and i don't mean to minimize the situation in any way- but i'm appalled by some of the response i've seen. perhaps because it is not personal to me, i have the luxury of feeling the way i do and having such opinions... i dunno i'm completely insensitive about it- i hope not. but it's something to think about.

  • before i forget, i just have to post this.

    okay, so this morning, about 11am, there i was- walking out to the lobby area of my office to go retrieve some folks i had invited in for a meeting with me. i go to greet them, we shake hands and tell them i tell them to come on back to our offices.

    so, there we are, walking from the lobby back into my office suite- and i spy this square, plastic, yellow package on the floor. it was small, 1.5 inches by 1.5 inches but its bright color caught my eye. and as a considerate community member, i looked down to identify whether it was trash or otherwise since i just couldn't let it sit in the middle of a hallway. i lean down and squint to look at what the little package is, the two gentleman who had come for my meeting do the same, and then it hits us all- we realize that we have come across a condom, still in its package, sitting in the middle of the hallway. and immediately, i was mortified.

    i stood up straight, and looked around to see whose pocket it could have fallen out of- no one was around though, except for me, and my visitors. but who did it belong to? and why on earth did they bring it to work? the questions were zipping through my head. and then i could feel my ears starting to get hot, as i started to think why the heck it was me who had to come across that.

    i had to make a split second decision on what to do. part of me thought, i could ignore that i saw it and not pick it up to throw it in the trash. but then i realized that i couldn't just let it sit in the middle of the hallway. if i didn't pick it up, someone else would have, and that someone very likely could have turned it into an issue and brought to me, along with a complaint, and a demand that i do something about it. my job is just fun like that. but then i didn't want to touch it with my bare hands- sure it was still in its wrapper, but come on, really, would you have picked it up?

    i look at the guys who came for my meeting- just as baffled as me... and then i decide to pick it up. i take my security badge and scoop it up from the ground without it having to touch my skin. and then i promptly threw it in the trash. just another day on the job, i suppose.

    totally weird.

  • grindhouse. it was a bit much. i left the theater feeling stressed out and tense. but it makes me wonder just what it's like inside the head of quentin tarantino, and robert rodriguez too actually.

    i've never had a xanax, but i felt like i sure could have used one afterwards.

  • 5.5 miles today. felt good. new shoes, good run.



    i received a surprising text message last night, and
    then a phone call followed. it's left me feeling a bit confused. and surprised. but pleasantly surprised, i think. i'm just going to go with the flow though, and let it be what it's going to be.

  • productive evening.

    we're off to a productive start for the weekend. i had a delicious, a really delicious red apple bellini at clyde's this evening. it was really delicious. new running shoes were purchased. and i just finished my taxes. despite only living in DC proper for less than two months in 2006, i owe taxes to them! taxation without representation. now that kinda is starting to piss me off. i just might have to partake in the DC emancipation day voting rights march. i also filed a return in VA for the time i lived with my sister, and i owed $1. and then i received a small chunk back from the feds. three returns filed for 2006. this is the first year ever that i waited until april, and nearly the deadline, to file my taxes. usually, i'm a january kind of filer. at least i can check this off my list of things to do now.

    and now, i head to bed. or catch up on oprah, and then go to bed. good night.

  • just some ramblings.

    i was called flaky today. and it took me aback slightly because
    i've always thought of myself as quite reliable. i show up on-time, i
    follow through with what i say i'm going to do, i don't promise things
    i can't deliver on. and if think that i might not be able to come
    through with something, or show up to something, then i don't commit to
    it. i never say i'm going to do something or go somewhere for sure
    unless i truly can. i am responsible. but am i noncommittal? sure, lately i have definitely
    been noncommittal; and it's probably a good thing. okay, maybe it's a been more than just lately... but i am noncommittal and i do admit to it, and i also do think that that is the best part of being single. i am accountable to no one but myself. but noncommittal, that's
    certainly different from being flaky.

    anyways enough of that rant. it was a 5.84 mile run today. i ran quickly and with little direction as i usually kind of set out to a location to run to... but because i was worried about the night sky
    starting to fall down on me as i ran, i just kind of ran around my general vicinity but up and down a few key streets. i
    managed to make it a pretty decent trot though given that i actually
    didn't hit the pavement until 7:40pm.

  • wednesday miscellany:

    -i watched a good chunk of the red sox versus mariner's game when at the gym. i miss having a team to root for. and i miss the mariner's actually. watching them play was exhilarating and exciting, and i dunno if i can become a red sox fan. i certainly wasn't rooting for them watching the game. i gasped kinda loudly when a pitch got too close to ichiro and i freaked out because i thought it almost hit him. a red sox fan wouldn't react like that. and i forgot how freaking wonderful ichiro is. maybe i need to re-evaluate all of this fan business and who i root for.

    -is 59-60 degrees warm
    enough to run outside? that's the forecasted temp for tomorrow after
    work. i'd like to take a run outside. the treadmill and stairmaster
    killed me today. although it was nice to watch baseball and run at the
    same time, i feel like the treadmill slows me down.

    -somehow, i've lost some some weight or inches. a few people have commented on it recently. i've done nothing purposely to make it happen and i feel like i've been eating a whole lot of junk lately. it sure is nice though, i'm lighter and leaner right now. the only downfall is that my work pants are all loose. i think i might go pants shopping this weekend. i think i also might need to get new running shoes and gear. maybe that will motivate me to train/run.

    -i am in the mood to buy some furniture for my apartment. a pal scoffed the other day because six months into living here, i should truly be settled. but hey, i really do need to add some stuff to my surroundings. i'm not planning on leaving anytime soon, so there's no rush in settling in fully. the basics are in place.

    -something is in the air. is it spring? who knows. but there's gotta be some explanation for why all of a
    sudden i'm seeing and hearing about people wanting to couple up. some
    of my most favorite single people are telling me that they are in the
    mood to settle down as a matter of fact. that if that certain someone gave the green light,
    they'd be all for doing the relationship thing. what's prompting all of this?

    -i think i need a mini vacation. i'm thinking of taking a small trip. more details later.

    -it's interesting, power dynamics... i'd like to think i don't play into them, but i am going to have to evaluate myself. i don't want to be the kind of person who just manages upwards well but not laterally or beneath me.

    -i was reminded that i had said about a month ago that i was going to dive into work and become obsessive about it so that i might not be distracted by boys, dating and the like. i think i absolutely failed in that endeavor and somehow managed to be quasi-obsessed with work, but not drop that other diversion. i am a great multi-tasker, 'tis true. i think i might try to dive back in and re-obssess with work, really throw myself into things, but truly put aside that other "hobby" of mine.

    -at this moment, i'm obsessed with the movie, "stranger than fiction." i loved it. i loved it so much. i loved the acting. i loved the story line. i loved the writing. i thought it was so clever... but not very many people seem to agree. i'm disappointed, but i'm going to continue loving it. so good. so, so good.

    -kurt vonnegut died today. age 84.

    that's it. happy hump day.

  • i don't like sales people. i know they have a job to do, but i just don't like 'em very much.

  • i'm in the mood for...

    i *think* i might be in the mood for something meaningful. i mean crushes
    and all are quite nice, and great fun. but is it time for something
    else? it dawned on me last night that perhaps i am getting tired of the
    "just for fun" mentality and the silliness that comes along with
    that... or maybe it's just that i need to redefine what it is that i
    consider to be fun.


    the thing is though, i just know that when you look, when you are on
    the prowl, you find the wrong thing, or, the right thing just doesn't
    ever seem to come along under such circumstances. so, if indeed i am in
    the mood for something meaningful and decide to seek it out, and given
    that i know when you intentionally look, things just don't come to you
    that way, the question becomes, can i just sit quietly and wait? i'm
    honestly not sure.


    another thought has crossed my mind too though- maybe i'm not ready for something meaningful and maybe it's just fun that i need to have right now until i get it all out of my system. maybe i haven't fully learned the lessons i need to in order to contribute to something meaningful. maybe i still have some growing up to do. it's all quite possible.


    just some random thoughts.