kickball this evening with co-workers. and it was great fun. the other team was fierce, and we lost, but i had fun. 4-2. first "at bat" i kicked the ball and got to 2nd. we had two outs at that time, and two kickers later, the inning was over. the second "at bat" i fouled out. and since we only played to five innings, i didn't get to have another shot. i played short-stop today... and i think i'd like to stay either there or move to second base. good times.

i have very little, okay, maybe nothing, compelling to say or write... so that's it.

i still find it interesting that with the virginia tech shooter, they keep referring to him as a man- this man, a madman, the gunman- and the students who died are called kids.

it was a quiet evening. i needed to catch up and do some laundry among other domestic chores. i still haven't gotten around to doing th dishes though... perhaps tomorrow.

i've been saying that i'm going to run a 10K in may... but i've decided that i'm just not going to do it as i learned it will involve waking up probably around 7am in order to arrive at registration at 8am, and begin the run at 8:30am... or some horribly early hour like that. i have a hard enough time waking up at 8am for work... no way i'm going to get up that early just to run. sure it's for a good cause, and there of course is the commemorative t-shirt... but i can run 6.2 miles anytime of day, anyday.

an after work drink at kramer books/afterwards cafe, and then a casual dinner at zorba's cafe in dupont this evening. it was a wonderful, mild evening. yay for spring... but i'm so tired and am going to sleep early. i could have passed out an hour ago but i felt like it was just too wrong to be in bed during the 9pm hour.

dinner was in bethesda yesterday evening. and only for the very special do i
leave my world of DC, so i hope my dinner mate recognized the
significance of me venturing out yonder like that yesterday. cafe deluxe
was the location for us; a great choice and somewhere i would
definitely eat at again... but maybe next time at the DC location and not out in MD. surprisingly reasonable prices too.

during the evening though, i was thinking- when you're faced with learning a new person, or reacquainting
yourself with someone, how much can
you or do you share? there of course is that worry or fear of
judgment... what if they think you're crazy? what if they don't get
where you've been and the decisions you've made? of course the ideal
scenario is that they take and accept you as you are... but what if who
you are, who you've grown comfortable to be is just not their cup of
tea? i guess what it comes down to, oddly enough, is that i think i have found myself wanting to be accepted, or wanting someone to like me. and it's quite strange; i've not
felt this way in quite a while. normally, it's you love me or you hate me, and i'm fine with either direction you might take. this is different, and i don't know what that means.

rambling # one: some lessons are harder than others to learn. for your consideration
though, here's one i haven't done well with: if things didn't work the
first time around, there likely was a reason and so therefore, there is
no going back for seconds. sure, you feel nostalgic at times and can't
help but to wonder if things might work a second time around... but
leave it in the past. i beg of you- leave it in the past. i've been
there, twice, i've done that, twice, and it worked out unsuccessfully,
twice. just leave it behind. please.


this plea, right about now, i am recognizing that it might just be me
talking to (or trying to convince) myself. it's true. it's hard to let go, absolutely. but leave it behind. it didn't work for a reason. it served a purpose at the time it happened. and we are better off for it now. what we have going on works well. it's great, actually. so quit thinking those thoughts. stop.

rambling # three:  i've frequented the ralph lauren rugby store's restaurant in georgetown a few times, and every time, i like it. the food isn't the greatest, but the drinks are decent. and i feel nice and preppy when there. they also have free wifi, if you fancy it. good hangout spot. i spent this evening there, sitting outside sipping on gin and tonics and people watching. georgetown was a zoo today. oh yeah, side note, the cheesecake at rugby isn't so bad.

last night it was a concert at the 9:30 club with my pal. it totally reminds me of the showbox in seattle. it was some no-names, the clipse, and mya. and mya was so cute! and she was totally worth the wait- we got there around 11:30pm and she didn't take the stage until maybe 1:15am... so we endured through some horrible rap waiting for her to take the stage. afterwards, we rolled into eyebar at 2:30am. i estimated arriving by 1am... but we strolled in 30 minutes till closing. hey, better late than never. (by the way, that's a total benefit, DC nightlife compared to seattle- liquor is served until 3am and the bars/clubs are open until then as well. in seattle, 2am always seemed to come too quickly.) we got some quick dancing and drinks in, and then called it a night.

that's it. time to get back outside and enjoy the sun. i love spring.

a quick entry. a 7.28 mile run today.

yesterday. a pal and i were at a charity poker tournament event courtesy of my company. we met some cool folks and schmoozed a little with some b/c list celebs. yes, that would be tim daly from wings (we couldn't remember what else he'd been in since then?), and then kerry washington with my pal is below that.

also, my poker skills were somewhat validated as i did a pretty good job accumulating chips- check out my stacks (partially blocked by a mojito. oh yeah!):

the thing with poker tournaments though is that they take endurance, patience, stamina... and i just got tired of playing after a while, so that meant going all in on a bull shit hand. plenty of free drinks at the event though, so we were a little wasted by the end of the night. final note, camera phones are so handy to capture moments!

the news is
making me sick, but i can't pull myself away. i'm heartbroken about
this whole situation. i'm sick to my stomach. but i have to admit, i'm
also frustrated with the portrait being painted about the shooter and
this whole tragedy. what he did was wrong, and frightening, but he
especially after seeing his video manifesto, he was obviously so sick,
so hurt, and so affected by loneliness, isolation, and being looked
past/over for so long. and this makes me feel empathy for two reasons-
he's a fellow korean-o for one, and for two, i just think that this all
says a great deal about the state of our society.

there's a
bigger picture to examine beyond the tragedy itself, and the shooter
himself. and i don't understand why that dialog is so quiet. i want to
talk about how and why we're so disconnected from one another despite
being more connected in some ways. i want to look at why people have
the ability to isolate themselves and withdraw so easily. i want to
examine what to do with the busyness of life and the world around us,
and how that's seemingly enabling us to forget or ignore those needing
to be lifted up, rather than letting them go unnoticed. maybe as we distance ourselves from the tragedy, time wise, that conversation will start. i hope so. as for me though, now more than ever, i feel like it's time to take a better look at those around me while also
surrounding myself with and just reaching out to the caring, lovely
people i am blessed to have in my life. and maybe i need to turn off
the news too.

i've been thinking lately about this idea of everything happening for a
reason. and in the wake of the tragedy at virginia tech, i struggle
with trying to find the reason for why 33 people are dead and millions
more are in mourning. did we need a wake up call? did this happen as a
catalyst for change? i am reaching for explanations but nothing makes
very much sense to me.

truth be told, i feel like i say "everything happens for a reason"
just a bit flippantly at times, as do many others. but in actuality,
i'm not sure if i believe it completely. i mean, i hate to be the
skeptic, or even worse, the cynic, but sometimes i feel too pragmatic
to subscribe to that belief because saying that everything happens for
a reason seems to rule out personal choice and judgment (including a
lack thereof, sometimes).

in certain circumstances however, i
am both comforted and excited by this belief. because despite trials or
bumps in the road, i'm happy with where i'm at in life and therefore,
everything has to have happened for a reason- even the bad and the
ugly. and, i'll admit that deep down, i truly do believe in fate and
destiny. i subscribe to the belief that "someone" is out there for me,
but we're just not yet ready to meet one another or realize that we are
each other's match. but believing that everything happens for a reason,
and believing in fate- both would imply that i must believe that things
happen and will happen according to a grand, master plan that's being
schemed up and orchestrated by someone else other than me. and that
seems counter to my nature- i'm not entirely sure that i am willing to
give up that control to someone else.

and while on this topic of believing that everything happens for a
reason, i think about my brother-in-law who is the ultimate believer.
his conviction of course, is grounded in the belief that God is the
master planner of all things.

for
example- when he had to undergo ACL surgery recently, he was telling me
that he thought he tore his ACL for a reason and that the rehab and
recovery associated with the surgery was meant to be. i won't get into
the details of his rationale- but i was pretty amazed at his outlook
for the situation. not everyone would jump to think about ACL surgery,
the rehab, the PT- the sheer inconvenience of it all- in such a manner.
so, not only is he the nicest guy i've ever met in my life, he just
might be one of the most positive thinkers too. of course, he would
rebut that with saying that i've met a lot of losers and am obviously
hanging around the wrong kind of guys... but i digress. he is grounded
in his belief that everything happens for a reason because God is
planning and scheming everything out from above. and i respect him for
that, however i just don't know if i'm capable of having the same
outlook.



i have met some wonderful people in my life, and i am blessed with
wonderful relationships, and i've had some wonderful things happen to me.
but i do believe that some of the opportunities i've had, and some of
the wonderful things in my life, haven't come to me fortuitously or
because of a grand, master plan being schemed up by someone else; i've
worked quite hard for, and hard at, some of it. perhaps it's selfish of
me to think this way because where did i get the abilities to work
for/work at such, right? but then again, i go back to thinking about
where personal choice and judgment comes into play in all of this.


and in thinking about this idea of everything happening for a reason, i'm again stuck with how to explain tragedies like this
recent one and where or how it fits into some grand, master plan. how could it all have really happened for a reason?

i never want to be cynical, but i can't help but to be skeptical
and have questions, many questions. and no one really seems to have any
kind of answers for me... i suppose it's for me to find out on my own,
and in my own time.

he was from south korea- Cho Seung-Hui, age 23. talk about hitting close to home. the kid being asian was one thing- but to know he was a koreano... i'm feeling sick.