he said that it was my fatal flaw and what scared him the most about
being around me- that i fall for and latch onto people or ideas much
too quickly which inevitably is followed by me falling out of whatever
it is that i fell so quickly into. love, lust, a crush, an obsession or what
have you- just as suddenly as it happens or if not quicker, i lose
interest. and the way he saw it, it's almost as if there's some kind of
on/off switch within me, where with little rhyme or reason, i simply
turn the switch off for folks or things, move on and away, sans any
consideration for what i've left in the wake. i toss things to the
wayside and then find a new interest. call it impulsive decision making
or me being rash- whatever it is, it scared him.


like moving to DC? the final shove towards the decision to
move happened during a morning phone chat with my sister in which i was
complaining about work and she simply asked, why not quit and move to
DC. we talked about the logistics for a few moments, and then before i
knew it, i was throwing my hands up and saying that i was going to do
it. we then hung up the phone so she could tend to some work while i
said that i would think it over a bit more and figure out some of the
details. and over the course of the next 90 minutes i checked on my
finances to make sure i could make the move, typed up a resignation
letter and then sent an email out to everyone in my address book saying
that i'd be quitting my job and moving to DC.
emails began flying about why the sudden decision, and what was going on with me that i would decide to up and move... some thought that i was just having a knee-jerk reaction and needed to think it through.

okay, so deciding in 90 minutes... that's the short version of the story because it
didn't happen all that impulsively or rashly. i had been talking about
moving for a good four months or so prior and had even interviewed for
jobs in DC during that time. but cold feet and a weak heart got the
better of me and kept me in Seattle for a bit longer. i talked myself
out of moving for three or four months thinking that there was some
kind of compelling reason to stay there. but that particular morning,
as i was talking with my sister and finally made the decision to do it?
i was just tired of deliberating the move and being stuck in analysis
paralysis. if it was the wrong decision, it would become apparent very
quickly, i thought, and then i could backtrack and do damage control if
needed. so, i snapped my fingers and said that i would do it.


so on the surface, sure, the decision seemed rash, or random
even to some people. it easily came off as impulsive, or spontaneous.
but in actuality, it was an idea that i had been toying with for months
and had been considering the merits of incessantly. i just sat on
making a concrete decision and let it fester for a while. and so when
whatever was going on at work that morning that caused me to complain
to my sister about things? it was just like the straw that finally
broke the camel's back. something inconsequential happened or was said
to finally help me choose between two options that i had been stuck
between for months... i guess it was like i snapped, or snapped out of
the analysis paralysis i was in.


and this is indeed a pattern for me. when i might see that a
change of course is necessary or a decision is to be made, i may look
at the options and map out the possibilities but then true to form, i
get torn between the choices and deciding which is the best route to
take. i get stuck weighing the merits of the various possibilities...
and then comes the indecision. i waffle. or, i sit around hoping that
with more time, the right answer will surface or something will happen
that makes the decision on my behalf. and if i wait around long enough,
something usually does happen that will spur me into motion. something
"snaps," or maybe i snap, and move in whatever direction i'm being pushed towards... and then comes the
appearance i'm being impulsive when in reality i probably had been thinking
about doing one thing or another for a while.

at some point, i know that i've got to stop thinking situations and
scenarios out to no end. i need to stop playing out all the
possibilities and alternative endings. i should stop reading between
the lines where the in-between space might not even exist. and i have
to give up analyzing every nuance to death. instead, i need to work at
letting things be organic, letting things happen the way they will and
then accepting them for what they are. and if i have to weigh the pros
and cons, i've got to do it more quickly and then be decisive. it's a shift in thinking, and ultimately, that makes it
another choice that i'll have to make and then run with. i just have to
stop thinking about it so much and decide to go with it... if that's
possible.

haha, i don't usually watch 106 & Park on BET, but for some reason, i was passing through just now and there was a Lloyd video featuring Lil Wayne, for the song You... and it features them at a speed-dating event... hilarious. i barely know who Lloyd and Lil Wayne are, but i suspect that i would never run into characters like those at a DC speed dating event... although, the guy who asked me if i make good money kinda does look like Lloyd. haha. check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUqTGv8uDpU

before the snow had come, i recalled that my boss and co-workers had
said that when the weather takes a turn for the worse, everyone in DC
runs to the grocery store and buys up the following: eggs, milk, bread,
and toilet paper. so as it started to snow yesterday, i remembered what
they had said and thought i'd follow suit and make a grocery store run
myself. i was fine on the toilet paper front, but i figured if everyone
else was snatching up eggs, milk and bread, i should do the same and
get my share of those items as well. true to form, the shelves at my
local whole foods were unusually light on the eggs, milk and bread. i
was able to pick up enough of those staples for my single self however
and toted the groceries home along with some OJ and cheese. why eggs,
milk and bread? who knows. but i ended up making some delicious french
toast yesterday evening.


let's call this writer's block, yes? french toast? i know. it's just
that i have nothing compelling to say or write... or perhaps life just
isn't that tough (thankfully). this is one reason to not blog, for
sure. i feel self-induced pressure.

it's finally snowing in DC. it's a light flurry falling, barely sticking... but it's too cold for me to be out and about in it. check it out:






    

the nonverbal, our body language, accounts for 80% of communication. so when i shake your hand goodbye, you should get a clue that i'm just not that interested in you. otherwise, i would have given you a hug, a kiss on the cheek, or tried to prolong our outting. stop trying to ask me out for drinks or buy me dinner; i shook your hand. no thanks.

i've come to believe that it's a rarity for people to do things that intentionally hurt others. "it's not personal. it never is..." i tell myself and
others this all the time as it's a convenient and comforting notion that
can be applied in such a variety of situations. i'm optimistic about the fact that at the core, we are all good people and intentional cruelty and maliciousness is only the result of mental disorder or being under the influence of drugs, alcohol, peer pressure, you fill in the blank. even then, it's still not personal; the behavior which has caused hurt is just a reflection of the perpetrator's self hatred, if you will.

this rationale has been convenient particularly in situations
where someone else has told me that things aren't working out, or that they just wanted to be friends.
i've told myself that the person must have some things they are going
through, or that they have issues for themselves they have to sort
out... it's not personal. it has nothing to do with me. how could it?
i'm a great person. i'm wonderful! it can't possibly have anything
to do with me. it isn't personal.
it can't be.

but when i think back to times i've said to others
that it isn't working out? when it's me who is saying that i am done,
or that things aren't working out? i'm so quick to blame the other
person for it not working. i can pinpoint their flaws, the problems or
issues they have, which of course have absolutely nothing to do with
me.
i've never once self reflected and considered what part i played in
things not working out. i mean, i may have delivered the line of, "it's
me, it's not you..." but i'm not sure i really ever meant it genuinely.
so what's the truth and where does reality lie?

i love being in DC. okay, so today in particular, i'm a little wiped.
the week thus far has kicked my ass and as i type, it's past 6pm and
i'm still at the office. do not pity me though. i roll in around or
past 9am these days, and plus, since it's Thursday, that means i do have
a beer on my right and a slice of pizza to my left, provided by the
company mind you. every thursday. there are perks to being back in the private sector
for sure.

i do love the city and being here though. one DC negative
however? the lack of style from a wardrobing perspective. if i can be
made to feel uber chic and stylish, then that's gotta be saying
something about this city. i mean i like to think that i have some
modern and trendy influences and tastes, but i'm not at the cutting
edge of fashion by any means. and i want people who are fashionable and uber chic to influence and encourage me to step
up my fashion game. that ain't happening here though.

even
when interviewing for jobs, at the advice of my sister, i had to tone
down the style factor and become a little more plain and conservative.
no bulky jewelry, in fact, minimal jewelry. plain-jane hair. minimal makeup. the most
conservative suits possible with plain collared shirts underneath;
certainly no "chestica" shirts. (an inside joke... but after wearing a
shirt bearing cleavage one evening, i was named "chestica"... a quite
clever play on my name and words. i love it. hell, if you've got it,
then flaunt it. yes?) for them to take me seriously, and for them to see how i might fit in with them, much to my chagrin, i followed her advice and dressed it down.

DC has long had a bad rap when it comes to style... but
perhaps things on the fashion front are getting better in DC. when
condi blew into town, there was a lot of commentary on her style. and
with madame pelosi at the helm now, DC style has become under even
greater scrutiny, for the positive. check out this article for example:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/18/fashion/18pelosi.html?em&ex=1169269200&en=9d01e503d1dd9672&ei=5070 .

one sure sign that this city still needs fashion help
though? the plethora of gals carrying out quilt bags. they are hideous.
i gag everytime i see a gal carrying one around and struggle with even imagining where you buy them. i'm not
saying all gals need to be toting fendi and prada bags- even those things are too fancy for
my taste- but the quilted handbags have got to go. chanel quilted
purses are one thing, but to be carrying around this:



please stop. really. please. i see so many DC gals (mostly white, sorry ladies, but it is the one common factor i've been able to pinpoint) carrying these hideous bags in a plethora of sizes and color and patterns. they just aren't cute and we can all do so much better. let's not give DC an even worse rap when it comes to style. please stop!

so he said to me, "you make good money?"

i was shocked, but started laughing out of complete disbelief. "seriously?" i asked him.

"well, you look so well put together. nice scarf, fancy purse. do you?"

i was tired of talking when guy #5 came around... and i think the only highlight was the fella who asked about my comp package and interest in kids. sure i like kids, but i probably won't like his is what i should have said. i guess if anything, he gets points for originality since he stands out more than anyone and certainly made an impression on me. but would i date anyone from that group? i could see hanging out with maybe the one guy who my co-worker is convinced is gay. perhaps i can be his hag; that could be fun. was it good entertainment though? of course. i'd do it again just for the sheer kicks and giggles.

i have four eyes now! it's amazing how much clearer and crisper things are with glasses as it gets later in the day and my eyes get tired... but anyhow, my first pair of eye glasses! (slightly off topic, but is my nose really that big?)

sure, it makes no sense to try, or put effort into
something or someone and be working towards absolutely nothing. but i
still don't see what's so wrong with effort and trying when you know
that you're working towards something specific. maybe that's the factor
to consider in deciding whether to try or not. you shouldn't try with
just anyone or everyone; but when the cards are all lining up in the
right direction, and the other person "feels" great, but the fit is a
little iffy... why not? if something has the possibility of being worth it, or because that someone seems like they could be worth it, then maybe it could turn out to be something that's truly special. i mean it might not always work out in
the end, and you might get tired of trying and putting effort into
it... and there does come a point in time where you cut losses... but at the end of the day, at least you can say you tried. and
all good things truly do take some work. wouldn't you say?

i might be over thinking this one.