it's cold... and i don't like it. the current temperatures are in the teens... but check out the "feels like" temp... this is the coldest day since i've been here. poo poo.

it happened again tonight. this time, in the shower. i was
listening to robin thicke, and had just finished rinsing the shampoo
out of my hair. i remember that i was standing underneath the shower
head, traces of shampoo gone by this point, but i kept standing there,
caught up in enjoying the water falling down on me while staring at the
tiles and admiring their stark whiteness. and then all of a
sudden, i got the urge to call you.

it happens every now and
then, where i want to pick up the phone to say
hello and see how you are. and i've imagined how the conversation would
go.
you would probably ask how DC is, and have questions about how i'm
liking being an auntie. is the nephew cute, and how often do you see him?
you'd ask.
you'd probably say you wish you could see him and hold him too- i know
you want your own and can't wait to be a dad yourself. i'd update you
on how my family is doing- did you know my brother is getting married
in the spring and about to have a baby? you'd laugh about the suddenness of it all
and we'd reminisce about going down to oregon to visit with him over the summer.
remember that funny kid at the chinese restaurant who kept making those
farting noises with his armpit? and that drive out to the coast the next day? all you and my brother could talk about were twisties and motorcycle nonsense. we'd laugh and then talk about how neither of us saw
the day coming where my brother of all people would settle down and become a dad.

i would ask you how your parents are doing- i think about
them with fondness. i always have and always will. and then i'd ask
what's new with you and how you've been. have you been taking many
classes? and what kind of progress have you made on getting your
degree? you'd have an excuse for why school is on the back burner and
then you'd probably tell me how not much is new; it's the same old,
same old. more than likely, you'd
have a funny story to tell me about the old friends of ours that i
once
knew so well and they too would be up to the same old stuff, i'm sure.
life for you, as i imagine you would describe it, would still be at a
standstill as you continue to try to figure out where to go next and
what
to do with yourself. i guess it's the same place you've been for years,
and the same place you'll be for a while... but i'd
probably keep that particular thought to myself because if i were to say it aloud, it would come
off as bitchy, i'm sure. (although we probably would be thinking
the same thing, actually.)

we would continue to exchange
pleasantries and quite possibly, it could be a very civil
conversation with one another... but then, as i'm playing this out in
my head, i can never figure out how we'd end the conversation and hang
up. okay, well, it was nice talking with you. i'll call you later. would we just end it like that- remaining silent and not discussing all of that mess from the
past? would we glaze over it and try to pretend it all never happened?
this is the part where i get stuck when imagining what the phone call
would be like. i mean, would we really skip over
everything that happened between us? i can't fathom, because i haven't forgotten about it all. i've
moved on, but i don't know if i will ever forget. it just isn't so easy
to do.

i know it's what you said you wanted- for me to stay in touch and
keep you up to date on what i'm up to and how i'm doing. and i think i
might have even said that i'd do it- it seemed like such a simple
request in theory. but when faced with the idea now? i just can't see
how to make it work. and when i really get to thinking about it, i don't even know if i feel like you deserve it- i don't know if you
deserve knowing how i am and what's going on with me. and truthfully, i
don't want to give you the satisfaction because it's like you having
your cake and eating it too. it's probably extremely childish of me to have
this attitude, i absolutely recognize that... but despite the fact
you have good intentions and that it's out of care that you want to
know what i'm up to and how i'm doing - it's just a bit hard for me to
understand how you can want that, but not anything else. so instead of
picking up the phone and calling, i try to put aside the urge, and move on. i take on the mantra of it being all or nothing, and take solace, oddly, in giving you nothing.

i'm angry or mad anymore; i've cycled past feeling those things and have made peace with what happened. it turned out for the best, it truly did. but you know better than anyone else, that it's just not that easy to forget and put things aside when scars are left. i'm preaching to the choir on that note with you.

so, i've deleted your phone number from
my cell and i've deleted your email addresses from my contact lists... but the truth is that i have it all memorized and it resurfaces quite quickly. it isn't so
easy to just forget and erase it all away, even as much as i have
wanted to and as much as you probably think i have already done. it's all burned into my memory along with both the wonderful
and ugly times we had. and i don't know if i'll ever forget any of it.

thanks for the memories, i guess.

through dupont, and then basically up connecticut ave- up to woodley park, past the zoo, to cleveland park and then i turned around and made my way back down connecticut, cutting across the duke ellington bridge and through adams morgan and then back home. 6.5 miles, or about that. i actually wanted to keep running but it was too cold today. i think i may need to get some underarmour to withstand the elements.

i caught a preview screening of a documentary that will be airing on PBS in a few weeks- hip hop: beyond beats and rhymes. watch it if you can. more info including the screening schedule at PBS: http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/hiphop/.

it's a lot to think about as these are complex and multi-layered issues- the questions of how masculinity plays into a culture of violence... the roles of misogyngy and homophobia in hip-hop... the hypersexual and hyperviolence of the music... and just who to blame or hold accountable for it all. i have no answers but just a lot of questions now. it was nice to see a critical, yet loving look, being taken at the culture... i just wonder how far it will be carried.

i would like to be an urban creature for life. the notion of a concrete
jungle, i love. falling asleep to the sound of cars on the streets, the
occasional sirens and drunken shouting... to be able to walk outside my
door and hail a cab, or have a multitude of entertainment and eats at your
footsteps or minutes away... i love it. i love it all. i love all the people and the cars and the lights, and most of all, i love walking with iPod in tow through the blur that all of those things combined seem to create. i loved living
downtown when in seattle and i love it here in DC too... through and through, i am a city girl. i mean, who needs a
backyard or lawn when you've got the hustle and bustle of a city
surrounding you and serving as your playground?

one thing i'm finding that i long for here in DC however, is
high rise buildings. i miss the feeling of a gigantic steel structure
towering above you, the aesthetic lines of highrise next to highrise...
and the feeling that you are just a small speck compared to these
gigantic structures- it's just one of the things i've always liked
about big cities. that you can be made to feel miniscule and
insignificant... it's oddly comforting to me. sure, it sounds strange
on the surface... but to be reminded that there is a whole 'nother
world out there, that i'm just a tiny cog in the wheel...
it's kind of nice. it puts me in check and is a constant reminder that there's so
much happening outside of my bubble and, with or without me, it goes
on.

i suppose for me, as self centered and selfish as i am, to like that feeling-
it's kind of odd. but i'm realizing of late that i'm full of
contradictions.

it's killing me to not be online as far as chat and IM goes. i feel disconnected but i also have been more focused and likely more productive. i dunno which is a better feeling.

i love my sister. leaving her house this morning, i trekked back into the city with the following:

for your tuesday entertainment... check this out:
http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/

it's good fun. i discovered this clever tool, thanks to my sweet pal's boyfriend who sent me a greeting to tell me that he and she missed me, and heard i was now a professional escort- thanks so much guys! and as for the escort comment... well, i guess that's one way to look at it. think hitch though- dating doctor, dating coach, dating guru. get it straight! anyways, but you too can create a monk-e-mail... which doesn't sound as fun as it actually is, so just check it out, please. for example, the sister and i created this one last night for our brother.
http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/?mid=18658824

those damn mojitos. it's an inside joke, one of those you had to be there kind of things... if you've watched miami vice the movie, maybe you'll get it... but it provides for good times though. we were falling all over ourselves laughing hysterically while creating the monk-e-mail, and watching it play, and replay and replay. i think at one point, i tripped and fell over my own pant leg and bruised my right knee in the midst of our hysterical laughing. aahhhh, we're so kooky. i love it.

and finally, a goal for this week is to try to be a bit more focused. at work, this means: no IM-ing (at least for today, i'm going to stay offline to see how much more productive that makes me), and getting into the office at a decent time, say before 9:30am. at home, this means: picking up after myself and getting all of my clothes off of the floor, doing the dishes in a timely manner, and getting to the gym instead of finding happy hours and dinners to attend.

i had a chat with a pal over the weekend about first loves, she herself being in a dilemma of whether or not to reach out to hers who now lives in DC too. both originally from turkey, amazingly, they both somehow landed here. he doesn't know she's here though, and she's not yet ready to call him. and i can understand her hesitation. it's been years, and he could be married and well beyond their teenage romance for all she knows. so we got to talking about the situation- are we to let go of our first loves and leave them in the past, or is it in the realm of possibility to take a second stab with your first love? it's a good question and one that i don't know the answer to.

i reinforced to her that the odds that they would end up in the same city are crazy; it's too much of a coincidence to just ignore. i mean it probably isn't fate, but it sure is fortuitous that they should land in the same country and same city after ten years and if anything, it could make for a good story if she were to reach out to him. and i promised her, that in case that it was disastrous, i would hold her hand if and when she decided to call him.

ever since that conversation however, i haven't been able to help but feeling slightly nostalgic myself. there's just something about first loves- like tire-swings, cupcakes and PBJ sandwiches... they just bring you back to a simpler time.

the thing about first loves is that they're quite innocent and to a certain extent, pure. thinking back to being in love for the first time, the difference between then and now is that then, i fell in love without all the bullshit and expectations that might exist present day. being in love then was so full of optimism and hope; i couldn't fathom people having "trust" issues, or baggage... nor did i have to deal with any jaded or cynical attitudes that i see now when it comes to love, dating and the like. then, there were less pressures, fewer demands, and little to no expectations for how things should (or shouldn't) be. i myself didn't know any better or worse, so everything was perfect, and everything felt right.

fast forward years later and falling in love the second or third time around... and somewhere along the way i learned to play games, picked up relationship habits both good and bad, and started having expectations... and that's where things have seemingly become a bit more complicated. it isn't so easy to just be in love or be with someone. and at times, the pressure of a relationship makes me not even want to fall in love, or be in love again anytime soon.

when i think back on the first guy i ever really liked- maybe he was my first love, i'm still not entirely sure- i can't help but to get a little misty eyed and warm. there will always be a nice place for him in my heart, i'm sure. and little things will remind me of him every so often, which is usually then followed with me getting a hankering to look him up and see what he's up to. so following this chat with my pal, i ended up googling my him out of complete curiosity to see what would come up.

is it slightly stalkerish behavior of me? perhaps. but i wondered - where is he now, what does he do, and is he okay? is he fat, balding and ugly? or could he be married, with a gaggle of kids and have a house in the suburbs? those were the questions in my mind. sometimes you just wonder whatever happened to so and so, and maybe part of it is that i just never have been able to let go completely of him. there are regrets and things we left unspoken or unresolved.

leave it in the past, you're saying right about now. and you'd especially be saying so if you knew that we unsuccessfully tried to rekindle things a second time, which was even more complicated than the first time around... yes, perhaps i should have known then, that it was done, finito, that i should have left it all behind because it obviously didn't work the first time around, nor the second... in other words, there was a pattern to behold. but things were cut off unnaturally and prematurely both times around, and so part of me still wonders if it could have ever worked. it's the unknown that drives me crazy. and i hate having to say goodbye to someone or something not having given things a fair shot and its due diligence.

it's probable that we're vastly different people today than we were then; it's been ten years afterall, and then another five years since we last tried to give things a shot. we might not even know each other anymore, or be compatible, or situated in comparable and complimentary places in our lives. i can't even tell you why i think of him fondly or hold an interest in him... it's just the memories i'm holding onto. so perhaps it's not that i'm even longing for him anymore. instead, maybe it's just a longing for the simpler times of a first love. i can dig that. a return to simplicity.

saturday afternoon's run, a little over 6.5 miles in total:



it was down mass ave and past the convention center where this weekend, it was host to the DC auto show, to union station, around the capitol, down the mall, to the washington monument, and up to the lincoln memorial, then past the white house and back home. i didn't realize it until i had made my way past the capitol and towards the mall, that i'd be running through a protest. read about it here... just another anti-bush, anti-iraq gathering:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/27/AR2007012700629.html?nav=hcmodule

oh yeah, speaking of protestors, slightly related but not really, i've seen these people around DC lately who are selling t-shirts that say, "stop bitching, start a revolution." a friend said these folks live in a commune of sorts and are raising money for that... anyways, everytime i pass the t-shirt hawkers, i'm tempted to ask- what if i just want to keep on bitching? is that so wrong?

having kidsis somewhat of a scary thought for me, especially after seeing what my sisterhas gone through. even as much as we love Ike, and as charming as he alreadyis? it ain't easy breezy, let me tell you. sleep? forget about it. control ofyour body and bodily functions? you lose some of that too. the things thathappen to your mind and body as a woman who has passed a baby through herbody... it's a bit much. and i can understand when people say they won't havemore than one child. i always hope they will change their minds later on downthe line though, and for myself, i've always said that i want at least twokiddies because i've just always felt sorry for only children, and even eldestchildren too. for to not know what it's like to have older siblings, let aloneany siblings, it's just something i never wish upon anyone because simply put,i love mine.

so sure, with any relationships, there are the ups and downs. but at the end ofthe day, as my brother has put it, family, they are the ones who got your back.and i tell you, it's like if you fuck with me, then you're fucking with themtoo. okay, so it's not like we're the mafia or anything... but believe me, theyboth can be scary when provoked- and i love it. times that i've been hurt or upset, i've seen or heard my sister crying with meas if she were directly feeling my pain too. it's like she takes it personallywhen people have messed with me- and it's a sight to beholden. for example- shedoesn't curse. and in fact, she gets mad at me when i let a curse word slip here orthere... but this one particular time when someone hurt me quite deeply? shejust kept calling him a jackass.

"what a jackass."

"he's such a jackass."

i don't know if i had ever heard the word ass come out of her mouth prior tothat. but, i'm telling you, messing with me means you're messing with her. whatcan i say? she's got my back. it's quite endearing. the protective aspect thatcomes with having siblings, it's wonderful. i know that if in grade school somebully had tried to mess with me, her scrappy self would have taken the bully totown. that's the benefit of an older sibling. but it's probably the good timesthat make our relationship more special than anything else. we can curl up inbed together and giggle for hours like little school girls reliving sillymoments growing up fighting over clothes or chicken nuggets. we can be on thephone and laugh and gossip about (what in the end is just) nonsense, butnevertheless, i am brought to tears from laughing so hard because of our very own shenanigans. and we can even be IM-ing each other, with me going on and onabout the latest drama in my life- like a bad hair cut- and it's nothing butgood times. it's entertaining, and even in silly situations, she is eversupportive. like last night:

my sister: what happened to your hair??

me: dude man, i just texted you a pic.
i look likea lesbian.
he didEXACTLY what i told him i didn't want and they were trying to reassure me thatit wasn't that bad.
i'm PISSED.

my sister: i'm receiving it....are you beingdramatic?

me: it's all f-ed up.
no.
i want tocry b/c i'm so mad.

my sister: its not that bad!
it looksworse cause you're not smiling and you have the angry lesbo look.

me: it's worse in person. believe me. 

my sister: smile and it will look better.

me: no smiling! i am mad!
i calledthem and left a message saying i wanted someone to fix it tomorrow, and not theguy who cut it. 

my sister: SMILE!  

me: i honestly think he was on drugs.
i waslooking at his eyes the whole time and something was off. 

my sister:  what are you going tohave them do? 

me: i don't know man.

my sister: don't cut it too much more....itsgoing to be real short then.

me: argggghhhh. 

my sister:what did you askthem to do??

me: yea- i want to be able to put it ina pony tail still.
i said thati wanted it thinned out.
no morethan two inches off.
needed tostill be able to pull all of it back into a pony tail.
layers butblended well.
not atrendy or mod hair cut.
and ispecifically said

my sister:hmm..you can defsee layers.
not blendedso well.

me: that i didn't want the layers cutwith the bottoms too long so that i look like the brady mom or a mushroom head.
i came hometo try to fix it
and flipout some of the pieces to make it look better

my sister: it really doesn't look so bad.

me: but it's horrible.

my sister: seriously, smiling will help

me: it's awful.
you have tosee it in person.
there aremajor issues.
when i lefti told them i didn't like it but would go home to play with it.
i justsmiled and looked in the mirror.

sister: did you pay?

me: no better.
yes.

my sister: just smile.

me: are you being serious man?
dude!
man! 

my sister: yes. it will help!

me: i can't stop saying dude and man!
dude. 

my sister: dude.

me: there is a distinct helmet/mushroomshape to it
argh.

my sister: sorry dude

me: what are you doing dude?

my sister: going to bed soon.  

my sister: sorry aboutyour hair. just remember you are your toughest critic. 

me: tis true.
i regretgoing there however.
=(
:..-(

my sister: good blogging material? 

me: does that look like i'm crying?
no. don'twant to blog. 

my sister: :-[
:'(
that'scrying. 

me: :...-[
:"( 

my sister: :'(

me: =..-( 

my sister: :'(

me: =[ 

my sister: ;'(
ok. enough. 

me: i guess i'm going to be wearingpony tails for a while.

my sister:
can u pullit all back? 

me: no!
pieces fallout because he did the layers too short. 

my sister:its just hair, itwill grow back.

me: i totally look lesbian. they said ilook modern.

my sister: wear a headband w/ the pony tail. 

me: i didn't want trendy.
or modern.
argh.
i wantedsimple. classic. 

my sister: sorry dude.
don'tworry, be happy!
i think isiaihwashington should have been fired.
he annoysme.
no likeburke. 

me: did something more happen?

my sister:nope..he said he'snow going to counseling/therapy for his issues.
loser.
ok...ttyl...gn! 

me: loser. totally dumb. btw, went toposte in hotel monaco. liked it.
okay, GN.
ttyl.
ttyt. 

my sister: yes..poste is good...cute place.
ttyt.....cutiepatootie!
smile!!! 

me: haha, you're so silly.
okay.
g-n!

good times,for sure. if everyone could be so fortunate to have siblings, and better yet,great older siblings. yeah, if there were an award for best sister in the wholewide world, it would have to go to mine. she's the best.

love ya.