I’m feeling introspective right now, so let me try to be
brutally honest with myself (and you, by default) for a moment.

So, on Wednesday, I am off to head to Seattle
for a few days. It’s been just about a year and a half since I left and this
will be my first time back. And I have to say that I have some mixed emotions
about the trip. I am excited to see one of my dear gal pals and plan to spend
most of my time with her while there… but having left Seattle bruised
slightly, I cannot say with the utmost conviction or complete confidence that I
am returning fully healed and repaired from the big portion of my life that I
lived there. I wish I could say I felt differently.

True, my life since moving has been a whirlwind and
extremely exciting – new city, new job, new friends, new boyfriends and now
more ex-boyfriends, amazing travel opportunities abroad, becoming an auntie
thrice…. It has been a really neat and exhilarating ride. But I guess scars
never fully go away and I can’t help but to be reminded of the tears shed and
heartache from my time in Seattle
as I get ready to go back.

There is the obvious heartache from a broken romantic
relationship, there is even some minor heartache from broken friendships… and
then there is also this whole other dimension of the ups and downs with my
family. Seattle is where I feel
like we, my family, basically broke and fell apart. When I lived in there, I
saw my older brother and sister both move away and on to start their own lives
in other cities. There were marriages and divorces. My dad passed away when I lived in Seattle.
All in all, it was a pretty rocky ride living there.

My last few days there, before really taking the plunge and
deciding to settle in DC, were so chaotic and full of tears. I actually cringe
a bit when I think about the way my heart felt as I prepared to leave because
an unexpected turn of events had taken place that really broke me and shocked me to the core. It was absolutely the right decision to
leave, but it was not easy by any means. And so as the plane took off for me to
get here to DC, I felt like I was saying goodbye permanently. I didn’t want to
have anything to do with that city that had been such a tumultuous place. I
wanted to leave everything behind and make a fresh start. Yet, here I go back.

Interestingly, booking the flight to go back to Seattle
next week was actually borne from another breakup. I needed to commit to and cement
my new found single state though some sort of spontaneous decision, plus I
wanted to go somewhere that I knew I would be safe and secure being just
slightly damaged from the breakup. And as I thought about where I could go,
oddly enough, the best and easiest getaway turned out to be Seattle
to visit a friend who has been there for me through a lot in the past few years.
Slightly ironic? I think so because here you have a city that I ran from and
have tried to bury away in my past yet all of a sudden, it’s a haven and escape
from life in DC? It’s funny how things work out. Maybe this is going to be one of those full circle moments.

it’s funny how two different people can see the same exact situation in two completely different ways. i mean, forgive the elementary thoughts – i know for some this is basic and very old news… but, it just never ceases to amaze me how divergent people’s points of view can be when looking at or being involved in the same situation, together.

if i think about why the most recent relationship i was in ended, or even if i look at the past three… okay, if i look at every relationship i’ve ever been in and why it ended, i would be willing to bet money on the fact that me and the ex would cite very different reasons for why things didn’t work out. and mostly, it would probably always be my fault, in their eyes. but the thing is, i’m always willing to be accountable for what i did wrong and what i could have done differently. i accept blame really easily when something is my fault. if i’m wrong, i can say that i was wrong, change gears and get right. but when the other person can’t do the same… it’s a bit tough to reconcile and come to any kind of consensus over what the truth is and what the truth isn’t.

just fascinating.

inspired mostly by my sister who is as crafty as can be, and inspired slightly by the fact that my apartment still hasn’t achieved that shabby chic look i’ve always wanted, i undertook making some paper flowers. the first flower took 40 minutes to pull together, the subsequent ones took about 30 minutes a piece.

the kit allows for me to make 12 more flowers… i might be too lazy to really follow through and finish this project up. i’m just not dedicated enough to be crafy…

friday night. i shouldn’t have gone out but i couldn’t resist… and the night ended a bit more crazily than i anticipated. i appreciate that as a result though, i know where i stand with a particular person. and vice versa. anyhow, i went to philly on saturday morning for a weekend girl’s trip (hence, i shouldn’t have gone out… i met up with my gal pals to drive up to philly after 3 hours of sleep. yikes!). as soon as we got there, we checked into our hotel down on the waterfront. from there, we went to the philly museum of art.


yes. the philly museum of art would be where that infamous rocky scene takes place and he runs up the steps. coincidentally, one of my gal pals (pictured above) whose name is adrienne received her name as a result of the inspiration her parents felt after watching the rocky movie. she’s never watched it.

more to say later as well. i’ve found myself in the midst of what seemingly are head games. i am starting to finally see it for what it is and just can’t help but to scoff.

i know this is really cheesy… but i’ve been into america’s best dance crew and i have to admit, i’m so disappointed that kaba modern is out! i have the feeling that this was rigged. perhaps they didn’t want two majority-asian crews in the final. ugh. how sad…

just some mutterings on breaking up. none of it is compelling, i’m pretty sure, but these thoughts have floated in and out of my head in the past few days. here we go:

| 1 | a while ago, someone told me that while a breakup for you (or me) might be traumatic and stop you life in its tracks for a while… for everyone else, they hear about your misfortune and then move on. and it’s quite true. if i think about people around me who have faced breakups… i dwelled on their situation for just a bit, and then it was like, okay… what’s next? i don’t think i’ve ever done a great job with checking back in on the person, seeing how they were dealing with it all, or ensuring that they feel like they had people around them when they in fact just “lost” someone. (shame on me, i know. my sister however, is very good at checking back in. thank you very much.) but for those who think the world revolves around them… which admittedly is definitely me at times… this simple notion of “life goes on” was kind of a revelation because it helped me to kind of put things into perspective by thinking about: a) people’s lives and the world goes on all around me, regardless of what has happened in my personal life. b) you can’t dwell on your breakup forever. c) people get together and breakup all the time. there are millions of people who probably are in the same boat. and for everyone, life goes on. we all go through this. does that make sense? i mean it just was oddly eye opening for me.

| 2 | it never matters who initiated the breakup or if it was mutual. a loss is a loss is a loss. you can still be the one doing the “dumping” and you can still be hurt and still mourn the loss of the person or relationship.

| 3 | i dunno if it’s the difference between guys and gals… but i’ve noticed based on my own experience that gals tend to need some space and time after a breakup. even if you do want to be friends with your ex, there’s still some breathing room that’s needed immediately after you’ve parted ways. i don’t get how people i’ve broken up with with have tried to be friends with me so soon afterwards through small notions – sending emails, text messages, IM’s, what have you. i need breathing room and space. i can’t be your friend immediately. i need time to digest and “get over” you. i just can’t process things so quickly.

that’s it for now.

somehow, last night went something like this:

-opening at adamson galleries for scott schulman of the sartorialist blog.
-house party 1.
-house party 2.
-play.
-five.

i was only expecting event one and two… but wherever the wind blows, i suppose that’s-a-where i’ll go! good times. ran for a short bit this morning but i keep having these awful side aches and kept it short. boooo. 4.36 miles. i guess i need to remember that i’ll likely have to ease back into it.

more later… lots to say but i need to digest it a bit and figure out what’s worth even saying. surbee is back, indeed.

last night it was josephine’s. totally pretentious and overpriced… but i loved the decor and my company. the place really doesn’t matter, as long as you’re with good people. it’s so true. but would i go again? as long as i’m on a list and don’t have to wait in line. i felt sorry for the suckers standing outside waiting. i just don’t know if it’s that worth it.

i tried to run off the grogginess of my sleep this morning. 4.64 miles. i walked half of it though. cramps in my side. it is gorgeous out though. i’m out to go back and enjoy the sun.

i left the office at a decent hour, actually a little bit early… i just couldn’t be there. i couldn’t focus. i’m just not present. taking advantage of the mild weather and a later sunset, i took a run. 4.35 miles. it felt good.



but was the exercise canceled out by the fact that i stopped on my way home and picked up some beer? it seemed like just the thing – have a nice quiet evening, gather my thoughts, and drink an ice-cold, delicious belgium beer. so, here i am on beer number two and the result is that i’ve started jotting down a bunch of thoughts on some of the silly drama that is currently occupying the space in my head. i’m tired of not feeling like myself… and i think that’s the bottom line. i’ve gotta get control back of me…

hello, the month of march. i’m so happy that spring is just around the corner. and despite losing an hour of sleep this morning for daylight saving… i can’t complain because here i am, almost 7pm and it’s still bright out! i love it. i probably will start running after work again very soon.

in a few moments, i am heading out to the brand new target in DC. it’s the first in the NW quadrant of the city – which is a big deal! it’s disgusting that the columbia heights neighborhood is beginning to look like… the suburbs… but, how can i not go to my new neighborhood target? it will be a complete love/hate relationship i have with the big red.

new shoes today. new dress today. new earrings today… new microwave last week. i’m such a good consumer in this time of recession. geez…